Happy due date, my Pearl

Happy due date my little one,

Eight months ago, I cried with joy when I found out you would be coming. Your daddy and I had been praying a long time for you, and we couldn’t contain our joy. We praised God for his sovereignty and thanked him for this long-awaited answer. I happily put away my favorite food – black olives – when your little body made mine sick at the thought of it. I anxiously awaited the day I would get to hear your little heartbeat. I was filled with joy at the thought of you being friends with the prayed-for babies of my friends, one after two miscarriages, and one after infertility. Our church celebrated with us, and I held joy in my heart.

My cat started sleeping on my lap, her paws resting on my abdomen, and I dreamt of a little girl born close to her mommy and daddy’s birthday to continue the “family tradition”. I dreamt of wrapping you in warm, handmade blankets, and buttoning crocheted sweaters around you to keep you cozy. I dreamt of taking you, inside my belly, to two of your aunts’ weddings, and felt excited at having to choose a looser dress for the second celebration. I thought of how faithful God was to give you to us after so many months of praying.

 But then I started bleeding. I kept praying, kept hoping that God would bring us through, and that you would be safe. In my anxiety, I clung to the promise of God’s love and comfort. I listened to song after song, “Do not fear – I have redeemed you – I have called you by name – You are mine.” I memorized verses about having faith, and promised to honor this lesson in choosing a name.

I was afraid of losing you. I went for an ultrasound and was told it was too early to see anything. Before, I had expressed my anxiety of losing you, and a man at the pregnancy center reminded me of the bold words of Daniel’s friends, “the God we serve is able to deliver us... and He will deliver us from your hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold” (Daniel 3:17-18)

Even if. Even if I lost you, God was and is sovereign. Even if, He was still God, and still worthy of praise. Even if, I repeated over and over, even if, I still needed to cling to what He had been teaching my heart, that I should not fear because God has called me by name.

I carried that in my heart, warily eyeing the spotting that continued, and cautiously watching my lab results slowly climb. On the day of a friend’s wedding, I got the news that they were higher than they had ever been. At the wedding, I rejoiced in the increased queasiness and thought that maybe it would all be okay. After all, this was the most pregnant I had felt in the past few weeks.

You flew to our Father’s arms just a few days later, beating us to Heaven.

The name we’d chosen no longer fit, and we searched and settled on calling you Pearl, for you were small but precious to us. We grieved, missing being able to hold you, but glad that you had only known love in your short time with us.

And I’ll admit, I had hoped that you would have already picked out your younger sibling to send to us, but I’m sad that still isn’t so. So instead, I’ll cry, and ride the waves of grief, for the God who lets you play at his feet told me, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1-2).

CROCHET - Pedi-socks

I received a commission several weeks ago to make a pair of "pedi-socks" or toe-less socks. For this pattern, I used a size 1 yarn with a 3.75mm/F5 hook and used a sock pattern from a book, ommiting the "toe" part and instead trying the sock on and making a loop to go between the big toe and second toe. Here is the result!

The making of...

One sock finished!

Front view

Side view with chaco on, to show how it would work with
a flip flop

Re-dedication of Sarah Chayil

When I first started this blog eight years ago, I wanted to use it to chronicle my focus on various Bible studies. I've used it more for thoughts I've had, especially when mulling over dreams.

So now I come back to the word "chayil". It means capacity, power, qualified, worthy (also wealth, army, and upper class). When used in Proverbs 31, it refers to a "woman of valor". I chose the word for Sarah Chayil because it meant "a princess of valor."

The past few months have been filled with so many changes, so much joy, and so much pain. I cling now to being a Sarah Chayil as I am a child of God in order to work through the hard times. I may talk some about those in the future, but for now, here are some new goals:

• Spiritual lessons - this is something I wrote about before, and I will continue to do so. There's plenty we can learn from one another.
• Nursing - I am a registered nurse, and currently work in the home health setting. As I am able to share stories, I may.
• Crochet - this is a beloved hobby of mine that has picked up over the past few years. I plan to showcase some projects I have finished, with applicable links to their patterns. If I created the pattern myself, I may publish it!
• Poetry/short stories - again, this was something I did previously on occasion, so I may share bits and pieces as I slowly pick up writing again. I've been so busy the past three years since graduating college, I haven't had much time to practice. I've just gone part time for a second time, this time for graduate studies, so I may find more time to write and slowly stoke the creative fire.
• Life - I have always shared about what is going on with life, and I plan to continue this as well. Maybe I won't go two years between posting again!

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me if you're still here from before. And if you are new, welcome! I'm glad to have you aboard. I'm looking forward to sharing a bit more with you all.

-Sarah

Two moves and a wedding

Well, this is pathetic.

I tried 17 months ago to revive the blog... and failed miserably. So I'm trying again.

At the beach in WA with Sarah and
Rachel Compton. I touched the Pacific
Ocean for the first time! It was cold.

Last July, I moved to Jackson, TN and began a nurse-residency at a hospital there. My little sister attends Union University for undergraduate work, so it was nice to be nearby, even if we don't end up spending a lot of time together. In September, I was placed on a cardiac progressive floor and I have been working night shift there since then. It was SO cool to start signing my name with RN after it, and even cooler when I got my badge with RN BSN on it.

In late August, Aaron and I flew out to Washington state to visit his family. This was the first time for me, and I was so happy to meet everybody and spend time with them.

We also had quite a lot of fun decorating
Faith and Daniel's car...

In late September 2015, my fiance Aaron moved to Jackson to be closer to me. He transferred to the Sears in Jackson, where he worked until recently.

Happy to see me boys

Mid October, we were pleased to drive back to Pennsylvania join my best friend Faith as she married the love of her life, Daniel. Such a beautiful, sweet time.

Mom was happy to see me too!

I worked Thanksgiving Day night, and flew out to Virginia on Friday morning to spend several days at home.

Our little Christmas
tree, courtesy of
Goodwill

People unfortunately stay sick on the holidays too, so Aaron and I set up a little Christmas tree in my apartment and celebrated together. It was weird being away from home. I'm so used to the joy of Christmas with little kids around, and it just wasn't the same.

In January 2016, after passing the secondary education English praxis (a test teachers have to take in order to teach a specific subject), Aaron began his graduate program at Union University for his M. Ed. He had his first student teaching experience in a 12th grade English classroom, and loved it! It definitely confirmed what he has felt called to do since he was in high school.

We officially became church members in early February, something that delighted both of us, as we have both attended congregations in the past but never took steps to be members. We are blessed to have found Cornerstone Community Church, and to be involved in our small group. We are exceedingly joyful for all of the support that our church family has given us, and are grateful to give that support back to our friends.

Rachel Compton helping make tissue
paper flowers to decorate the pavilion

In late June, we both took off about two weeks of work in order to drive back to Virginia, prepare for our wedding, and on July 2, we (finally!) got married! We stayed in the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina for a week, savoring being husband and wife before returning to Jackson. During the time in NC, Aaron received a phone call offering him a job teaching 7th grade English at a public school in Jackson. Ecstatic, he put in his 2-weeks notice at Sears as soon as we returned to Jackson.

A sweet lady took this picture of us at
a waterfall in NC

In the ER, take 2

After returning home, we worked on packing up the apartment, as we planned to move across town to a larger apartment. During that time, we had our first big scare as a married couple. Aaron got really sick and fainted while taking care of pre-employment paperwork for the county, and I ended up taking him to the Emergency Room. The night after that happened, I returned to work with Aaron texting me updates every 2-3 hours, whenever he woke up. At about 3am, he texted me saying that his temperature was 103.6 and that he had take Tylenol about 2 hours previously. My coworkers and I were concerned, so I left work at 3 in order to take Aaron back to the ER. Unfortunately, all the bloodwork showed was a possible virus and some dehydration, so we came back home and I kept taking care of him. Thankfully, he was able to attend some of the in-services required for teachers the following week. About a full week after his fainting episode, he was back to his usual self, with no deficits.

Very excited about
his new classroom!

He started teaching on August 1. On August 7, we asked some church friends to help us move apartments. This one is a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom, so we finally have space for people to visit us! (Before, you would have been sleeping on a couch). Aaron's grandparents also came down with a bedroom set we purchased from his aunt, so we upgraded from my full-size bed to a queen! We are exceedingly thankful for the extra room.

Constructing a bookcase
we bought with a Target
gift card someone gave us!

I've been doing my best to get the apartment set up on my days off, and whenever Aaron gets home from school, we work together on organizing papers and grading and Aaron has help from his team for lesson planning. The first two weeks of school have been tough in every way, but I am thankful that his co-teachers have been helping and that when his Masters classes begin next Monday that he will also have the help of a faculty mentor.

The past month has been very stressful, and I feel the effect on my health as well. This week is my last week working full time at the hospital, and starting next week, I will be transitioning to a part-time role, working at least one day a week to keep my foot in the door. I am hopeful that this change will allow me to be more available for my husband, for my family, and for my church.

Well, that's the biggest update that I've had for a while, but I'm going to try this blogging thing again to try to keep people more in the loop of what's going on in Jackson.

Revival

Well, I certainly haven't updated this blog in a long time. Are people even still reading? Well, there has been many, many changes since my last post in Fall 2013 (and even more since the one before that in Spring of 2013, when I was still recovering from coming home after being abroad in Israel.)

School!
I'm in my last semester of my undergraduate degree! Yippee! The countdown on my phone to graduation reads 61 days! I'm so excited - and nervous! I have been successful in each of my clinical rotations. I've loved pretty much every one of them - except intensive care. That was definitely the most difficult of all my nursing classes, and I am definitely not made out to be an ICU nurse!

The picture to the right is when I got to observe IR (Internal Radiation, I think) place a stent in a lady's artery! They use x-rays to see the placement, so we all had to wear radiation protection.

In January, I did my senior practicum - 90 hours of clinical time working with an RN in a field we were interested in/got assigned to. To my delight, I was assigned to an RN working in labor delivery, so I got to spend January delivering babies, reading fetal monitoring strips, and working with laboring women. I loved every second of it! - and missed it when it was finished! I'm hoping to end up with a job in labor/delivery, although I think I'd be happy with postpartum at first. I've developed quite a passion for expectant moms.

First day on L&D in January!

When I was doing my practicum, there was one mother who I had been with during her labor, and she started pushing about 30-45 minutes before the end of my shift. I decided to stay later to make sure I could be with her when she delivered. However, when the doctors did their rounding, they decided, due to a few factors, to go ahead and take her in for a C-section. When they made this decision, I let the mother know I was leaving, told her she was in good hands, and left, as I was expecting another twelve-hour shift the next night. I felt frustrated about this for days afterward, because she had only been pushing about an hour and a half by this point. The RN I was working with and I were just about to have her change positions, but I couldn't work up the guts to tell that to the doctor when the RN wasn't in the room. Several days later, I encountered that nurse in the nursery when I went to help when my preceptor wasn't assigned to a mom. She helped me debrief about it, and explained that the baby was "sunny side up" - coming out face upward, which is backwards from most babies. Not only that, but the baby was jammed all sorts of strange into the birth canal, leading to a rather difficult cesarean, where they had to push the baby's head back up in order to deliver. I felt a little relieved that the cesarean was helpful for this mother, but if anything, that delivery has encouraged me to pursue learning ways to prevent those things from happening. I don't want the laboring women I'm with to have to go through a cesarean just because we didn't do something so easy. For instance, with that mom, we could have seen the signs - she had a lot of back labor and an epidural that didn't quite cover it. We could have encouraged her to move around - rock while in bed, dance with her husband, pace the area next to the bed. We could have had her get on her hands and knees before the epidural made her lose all control. She could have done it. I know it. I'm afraid, however, that taking her in for a cesarean might make her doubt the ability of her body to birth a baby. It makes me so sad.

Work
Yes, I'm looking for work now. It's such a pain. :P However, it is going well, as I've applied two hospitals and already have an interview for one set up in April! I'm very excited. It's a little crazy though because I'm applying everywhere. I've applied in Harrisburg, PA, and I've applied in Leesburg, VA. Next on my list is a hospital in Virginia Beach, and two other hospitals in Harrisburg. I may even apply in western TN. We'll just have to see what happens. Of course, there is a bit more going on than just that too though...

There's more

A warm, September Friday afternoon, my wonderful boyfriend drove up to Messiah to spend the day with me. We had just made challah, the bread we make for Shabbat "dinner", and were waiting for it to rise when he suggested we build a fort. I was ecstatic about the idea, and we ran to his car to pull out stacks of collapsed egg boxes out of the trunk. Laughing together, we re-assembled the boxes and stacked them, leaving a crawl-hole from my suggestion. Finally, I sat down on the grass inside to rest, and Aaron tossed a tightly folded piece of paper at me from outside the fort before crawling in. On that paper was a sweet poem, one he had written years before. He asked me if I could see us making our lives one. I responded, "Yeah, of course," as we had been talking about this a lot recently. I wondered why he had given this poem to me. My literal thought was, "I wonder why he's giving this to me now? This would be a really good way to propose..."

We re-enacted it later in lieu of having friends creep on us during.

Then it hits me.

Is this what I think it is?

He crawled out of the fort, and returned clutching a tiny box

I gasped.

And then he asked me if I would marry him.

...I was so stunned I could only nod my head. I soon found my voice and wrapped my arms around him in delight.

So, I'm getting married! We've decided on June 2016, so we've got a good year and three months to plan and enjoy our engagement. It really has been quite wonderful to be able to spend time together with the man who will be my husband (!) without having to worry about wedding planning. Of course, we have worked on finding a place, but that has been a wonderfully slow process and we haven't needed to get stressed out about places not responding to us immediately and such.

So what next?
The countdown on my phone tells me that graduation day is only 60 days away! Two months from now, I will be graduating. So I'll be looking for a job before then and finishing schoolwork. I'll take my NCLEX in June, and hopefully start work after that. And it is a bit more complicated too because of course I'd like to be near my beloved, but we'll just have to see how that happens. :)

All that being said, I'm gonna try to revive this blog from the depths of the blogosphere. Who's along for the ride?

You are my hiding place

I can't believe it's been almost five months since I wrote last. I suppose that happened because I talk with many of you on a regular basis, which is okay, it just means that I don't write posts like this. Five months is a whole lot of time, and so much has happened.

I finished my sophomore year back in May. Yeah, that was a long time ago.
The Lord answered a tremendous prayer I have had for many weeks, months, years. He gave me my best friend back, and with him, the ability to determine what our role together may be.
I worked for three months at White Sulphur Springs, a Christian military retreat center located near Bedford, Pennsylvania, as the preschool and kindergarten teacher. What an adventure.

The most recent is that three weeks ago, I came back to Messiah for the start of my junior year of college, of nursing school. This is the semester where everything steps up a couple notches. And remember how I posted about needing to surrender one day at a time in order to get through last semester? Yeah, I'm needing to do that just as much now as I did last semester.

There are two songs I've been repeating to myself. One is called "I can't do this" by Plumb, and the other is an older hymn.

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I feel afraid, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say "I am strong
In the strength of the Lord."
I will trust in You

Pray for me when you have a moment. Going through nursing school is hard work.

This Oozing Ache

Several months ago, I counseled a young woman via email about the "oozing ache" of lovesickness. The email that I wrote ended up doing wonders for myself as well as this other woman, and many of the points mentioned, I think, should serve as help to others in the same or a similar situation. Most of the quotes are from either Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, or Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. Both books have been a constant companion to me, and I would highly recommend both of them, but that's a post for another day when I'm not preparing for finals. I've edited it slightly for anonymity, but otherwise it is still in the complete, original form. May this comfort you as well as it has comforted me.
-Sarah

---

“Lovesickness may seem a trifle compared with other maladies, but the one who is sick with love is sick indeed, and the Heavenly Father understands that.”

-page 72 of Passion and Purity

Thank the Lord that He understands this pain, for “waiting silently is the hardest thing of all” (62). We are in a position where we see that our hearts are changing, angling themselves towards this greater love for which we have been created, but we cannot speak. It is not time. It is not our job. So we sit patiently, waiting. What else can we do? We should not wake up Love before its time (Song of Songs). Patience is a forever fruit. And the fruit will bear if the season is right.

“Steadfastness, that is holding on;

Patience, that is holding back;

Expectancy, that is holding the face up…”

-S.D. Gordon

“Hold on, my heart, in your believing--
Only the steadfast wins the crown;
He who, when stormy winds are heaving,
Parts with its anchor, shall go down;
But he who Jesus holds through all,
Shall stand, though Heaven and earth should fall.
"Hold out! There comes an end to sorrow;
Hope from the dust shall conquering rise;
The storm foretells a summer's morrow;
The Cross points on to Paradise;
The Father reigns! So cease all doubt;
Hold on, my heart, hold on, hold out."

I found the poem above in Streams in the Desert by C.B. Cowman one morning early in the school year when doing my devotional. The poem struck me so much that I wrote it in my notebook, wrote it on a dry-erase board, so that I would see it and memorize it. I memorized parts of it, but those parts stick with me “only the steadfast wins the crown” and “hold on, my heart; hold on, hold out.”

Hold on dear friend. These trials do not last forever. It will be difficult. Not because of the separation. Perhaps for reasons entirely different. At college, surrounded by some of my friends already in dating relationships, I found it hard to be single at times. Overall, I was content, but there were moments that would hurt. Hold on, dear heart. Hold on. Paradoxes occur. Once I found myself “both wishing for an earthly dance partner and yet [was] glad that the Lord was the only one.” Your heart goes in two different directions. But one direction, the direction of peace in God, pulls stronger, and that’s where you can finally rest, content.

2 Cor 4:17-18 “For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.”

I think this verse can apply both to the weight of glory in being with Yeshua finally, and also to this prayer and hope for love. This pain that we feel now is momentary – will last only a moment in comparison with the rest of the journey, let alone the rest of time! (I say this to encourage both you and me!) And yet, we must be careful, because, “by reliving the past and anticipating the joy of the future, it is quite possible to waste away the present entirely. As Jim said, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living”” (p. 78, p. 80, Passion and Purity).

We shall continue living then, “casting our cares upon Yeshua, for He will never let the righteous fall.” I wrote while at school, “Oh, will this period of waiting never cease? Not now, not for a long time. The trials have not yet come. They have seemed like trials, but they are not. Oh, they are far from the trials that will come. It will be hard. It will be difficult. It will be painful. … My spirit groans in agony – when will this end? O beloved Lord and Savior, give me the strength to hold on and fight while I am able. O help me press forward!”

Yes. We must stand firm and steadfast. Lord Jesus, take us by the hand and help us stand firm and courageous, even in the pain of silence.

Song of Songs 8:7 “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the rivers overwhelm it” and Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I am there. You are mine.”

I hope some part of this brings you comfort. May the Lord see us on the other side of these fires, cleansed of the dross so that our joy can be made complete.

To finally end this, another quote from Passion and Purity (I think Elisabeth quoted from someone else, but I can’t remember) that kinda summarizes how it feels with love…

“I cannot love you if I love not Him

I cannot love Him, if I love not you.”

-Sarah